Monday, November 21, 2005


Originally uploaded by trngam.
Its been ages since I drank well ( much). Well enough to get drunk. Its been ages I did it alone. And I did it today. All because I saw a face in the bar that made me feel like staying on. All i went was to pick up a bottle of coke (from a bar. The shops were a little away). I saw this face, this smile and I knew I must stay back...drinking for an excuse.

So, I settled. Not sure what I was upto. Our eyes met many times but my heart already scarred would refuse to do more. It would not let me speak. It would not let me smile. It would not let me change my body language. All I needed was a miracle because I was doing nothing.

Is it not exciting to be attracted to someone who is smiling with everyone? Is it not exciting to be excited with someone who everyone is smiling with? Is it now joyous to see someone who is always smiling and has this look which says I am exploring the world... will you join me?

But I am scared. There is this thing called reality. There is this thing called tommorow's agenda. There is this thing called your weaknesses. Everything pulls me down. And I am scared to repeat life... knowing that life has never tried to be too kind for too long.

I want to bow with respect. I want to say you are sweet. I want to touch. I want to go home dreaming with home. I want so bad and I want so much... that I am scared for not getting it.

So, I stay quiet. In the corner. Wondering if love will ever come my way. I want to call my friend and talk to him about this feeling but his wife picks the phone. I cannot talk to her. She will be jealous. I try to get hold of my friend's work place number but it just rings.

I want to tell him I can feel love. I want him to tell me 'I understand'. I want to tell him that 'can I try and look stupid?' And I want him to tell me that yes ' You are already stupid not trying'.

God! Why does this happen to me at this time. The need to touch is so overbearing that I may well become numb soon. The need to hold is so high that I may well fold my hands and sulk. The need to laugh, cheek to cheek, is so much that my face is burning with blush!

People are so beautiful. But beauty so selfish. It hides in bodies, minds and events. Wish it was the air I breathe. That way I could do it, without anyone seeing what I was upto.

And i would inhale deep and deep till my heart fills to the brim.

For now, I will sleep. Knowing that I can love, for another day.


Blogger JD said...

"Been there, done that..." Maybe not the drunk-alone part, but having that ache to touch and hug someone who seemed unattainable. Truly a brilliant description of a deeply human emotion. Thank you for sharing it...

2:55 AM  

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