Saturday, October 08, 2005

In the centre of everything?

Maybe I got it wrong about myself. But I cannot help but think that I remain at the 'middle' of everything within these laws of our universe. Its hard for me to take a position on most things, except when it comes to survival issues! Socially, sexually, physically, communally(is that a word?) and God knows what else 'lly. Guess there are many in this 'position'? However, in most discussions it would be called 'sitting on the fence'? Or would it be called ' best of all worlds'?Are there many of us like this?

Its not that I do not argue or do not fight - But only when I need to defend my space & freedom.

When I was in school hostel, we had two groups built of two different streams of communities. They were always at war at each other. Fights, arguments, territories, heirarchies. But all through the 4 years, I never happened to align to either. Both accepted me. And I cannot remember another person that neutral, in that period. Special position?

Now, about the global passion of the taking two roles - the explorers & the explored. This I think applies to most of us. Being a certain Indian, of a certain social class and a certain community, I seem to sometimes see myself in the position of exotic animal in the population - immersed into fulfilling the demands of my little world - regardless of the going ons in the rest of the planet. Where outsiders and also farangs would probably come and see a person like me as the flag bearer of the Indian picture they carry in their mind. So, is the impression I get from some. While at the same time I can often relate with India & the rest of the world, as a first time wanderer would! A relationship where I want to explore, discover and unearth the exotic and unknown. So, sometimes I feel I can see my world from many view points. Sometimes like the software, sometimes like the programmer, sometimes like the user.

Being brown, but yet not dark enough, but still be from a family which is fairly fair. This lets me experience the world in different colors. And my attractions come in a range. Was that why my first attraction was a Nigerian and the last one someone absolutely fair from Kerala? I could feel the specialness in both! I do not mean to be a racist, but I did carry some pre-judged thoughts which following my experiences have been rather ironed out!

While in personal life to be able to see the world from various point of views is a rather exciting experience. Its tough in professional life. I mean, I have dealt with bosses and colleagues who sometimes go round and round the bush before they zero in - in the name of intuition, innovation & creativity. And I have dealt with ones who start by listing each logical element of a plan before it all adds up to the last fraction! I can work both ways, depending upon the circumstances. I personally feel each route can lead to profound results. As a result it often seems to me that I get to understand the road everyone is taking, but not everyone gets what I am upto!!! Either they think I am deep or profound. Or they feel, I have gone of the handle!

And sexually? Do not ask me to describe it here. But beleive me I am at centre of it all! Sometimes it works for me, sometimes it brings down the world the other person held.

And then socially, I got friends who live in 'huts' to those who have big farms in the outskirts. I relate with people who do not share a common language with me and I connect with people with who I discuss the 'superstring' theory! I can never see it is difficult to relate with any of these as such. But often either of these two sides do not see it so. And till date I have not been succesful enough to combine the two together in one place! Which means double time for me...

It is not that I am a great social person. Not that, at all. But the point is that I just feel positioned in the middle of everything. Sometimes its tiring and sometimes it is provides me a feeling of oneness.

For instance, I work in a company which is 50% engineering focussed. And everyone thinks I am creatively aligned. (they think so...) And good for me if they think so. Its a good perception in the marketing field. On the other hand I have personal friends, mostly in the art/creative professions who think I am quite an engineering professional and a nerd.

Sometimes, I feel betrayed by either side. Sometimes I feel like taking them on a wild ride!!

Sometimes, which is often, it is simply so.

Co-incidentally, as I write this blog I come across some tests to show where you mind and disposition lies - > magnoy's samsaraAs for me the last time I checked (one of the older simple tests) I was in the middle of my left and right brain! The time earlier I was on the left side. And the time later on the right!!! Oh poor me....LOL!


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